soliloquY

~ hope i've spelt the title correctly, there are some things yu can almost never fix and get done with, once-and-for-all

~When put inside a decision box]

I end up takin impassioned decisions

instead of correct decisions

I haven been brave enuf

/More often than not

my decisions have chosen me\

instead of vice versa..

I don't regret caz it's too tirin

Too drainin

and takes a weekend to recover

I let my mistakes be

Never ask!

~this is the last time i'm talking about trees on my blog, lemme get done with it.

i realised it when i heard my cell ring

had been standing in the middle of the world

lookin at a tree,

i'm livin in autumn, tis heaven

the concerned tree has turned yellow

i.e. golden for me

an it's standin upright in the sun

an sheddin its leaves, one-by-one

they are free-fallin

an i've been standin there

trynu to feel the free fall of the leaf of gold

until my cell rang

~Sometimes i wonder i wonder where i am headed

I am not sleeping nights

And oversleeping throughout afternoons into nights

Waking up more sickly and sour-mouthed

teary~eyed, guilty for letting sleep seduce me..

~ All my life I ran not a race

but one

All my life I ran this rat race/

I have been dragggin my feet on the

Road that seemingly isn't takine me some/nowhere

~ finally but one tribute to my undyin yU..!

i looked for you in the tunnels of the dark, and in the chambers of my heart, but nowhere were you to be found. totally nowhere, absolutely nowhere. then i sort of made it a point to kill my passion and to rarely think of you. then i made it a point never to fall in love ever again. then i saw to it that nothing moved me the way you did. nothing drove me to tears like you did. noone lived in my heart, the way you did. no one even came close to breaking my heart the way you did. you did\

~ things aren workin out an i'm growin all the more indifferen to their not workin out

~ pro'ly i'm just trying to help masel..

4 am thoughts!

Twenty-three mutual friends in fb..

seventeen common connections on linkedin..

I must've known yu before

Come across ye by a random chance of fate

Should've heard people talk of yu

Had a hint that yu existed..

Or vice~versa..

we've lived in the same city

i've walked the earth you've walked

Sure must've brushed past each other

once atleast..

once some obscure friday evening

when i must've been busy shopping

or waiting for movie tickets

We must've met at cross roads

waited at traffic signals together

Must've drenched ourselves

in the same first rain

some forgettable day of earlyJune

some year

But it's a wonder

how life conspires to keep apart

two obvious soul~mates

and plays its secret games

builts a wall of glass in between

fills the air with fog, on both sides

and it takes a hell of time

for that fog to condense

and slide down as water, drop after drop

and it took long lonely years

for me

to see the faint contours of yur face

on the other side

to come to know of your existence

and assure myself of assured company

twenty~two years one month nineteen days four hours and seven minutes

to be precise!

the happiness woman..

trying to move on from one inconsequential incident to another, on the way, i ceased and noticed the woman that happiness is. her eyes are small, yet happy. the upper reaches of her cheeks bulge slightly, the lower ones form a hollow to contrast. the lips so fall in a valley. a pink curve of delicate flesh, her lips. tiny gold hangs from the left ear i can see. she has all her hair taken on the right shoulder. they are a little awry. the wind must've done that. but the hair are pitch black and she is white fair. there has settled a smile on her face. it is the reflection of the smile on her soul. there is a scarf of all red wrapped around her neck. the scarf floats in the mild wind. the smile is so fixed on her face that there is not a sign of fluidity. and her eyes are black..

happiness woman has black eyes

And

Desire has green eyes..

but What color are mine?

I & II

I

as i try to forget you right now i find it very heart wrending. but that's imperative. i can't afford to have you in my mind beyond a certain time. love is a power game. of the worst sorts. besides love i give you the power to hurt me. by loving you i give you this supremacy over me. it' liek you rule my moods. you totally hold the strings of my life. i have confirmed it many times over that i would want you a hundred times over all the other wants in life. i bear the consequences of every inconsequential thing you do. i am like china in your hands. for you i dream of the pros and cons of if-only's

II

all this time i have tried to hate you because i am done convincing me that you are not the one, because you can't just be the one. i never fell for you. i never will. it's an impossibility. but there is a glitch. no it's not even that. just a dormant fear within me. that at the end of time, it could be you, if not anyone else. then i would have to keep all ego aside and take you in. it's this constant fear of this contigent future that keeps me on my toes, always trying to hate you. it's the fear of the compromise that i might have to make. it's the fear of you entering my life, and taking control with me becoming just a passive element. yesterday while crossing a busy street, this thought crossed my mind. is it you? what if it is you? what if it has always been you? i am doing a worst case scenario analysis. for you i fret over the pros and cons of what-if's

after dark

the sun hadnot shown in entirety. but its rays still reached her. they filled the air with mellow light. in the serene yellow, the water of the pond was still black. there were silent ripples. a shrub of hibiscus tilted on the water, like a lover. ripe flowers of the color of blood, dropped into the water. one after the other. killing themselves. there sat a girl on the stairs. never as conscious as then. a moment later a pale sun showed itself. a peace descended on her mind. she got up. one could see the joints of her bones undoing themselves. she stepped into the water. tip-toed one step down. she looked at her feet under the black water. their outlines moved precariously with the waves that formed. then she looked up front. at the bank, opposite. one more step down, she paused for one moment. and looked back, at the world.

then she walked away. deeper into the water..

Hiatus~

she smiled a lot. and when she smiled she could feel her dimples form. she

could feel her strands of hair stray to her face. she purposefully left

them intact. until the wind played with them yet again. kept throwing

them on an off her face. her dimples formed and unformed. she kept trying

to find out if her left cheek dimpled. she wondered how she had two cheeks

but one dimple. just one..

he swayed from this side of the road to that. there must have been some

song playing in his mind. he had never planned for this night. stranded a little

before middle of the night. a mildly cold night. waving to every rare cab

that passed by. and looking back at her and smiling distinctly after one more

cabbie betrayed them..

i wonder if she could see his smile. it was dark. the only light being that of

billboards on top of buildings in and around. neither could he see her dimple

form and unform. but he was aware of the distinct one on the right cheek.

faint yet there. and he probably loved it.

this went on till one cabbie relented to take them home for the night.

on the way, she wanted the typical music playing..the late night long drive

instrumental one. music that suited the moods of a drunken city. besides hers

and his.

when they brushed past the winds, the silent streets snored. the music

inside the cab only danced, causing a sort of a furore.

the wait had been long. wait for a cold rain or probably snow. the signs began

to show as they travelled deeper into the night. the wait seemed to end now.

they wondered if it snowed ,would they have to stand the whole night under

a tin sheet, or something? waiting for it to get day.

as it got only colder, on the way, the only warming effect came from the

presence of each other. she laughed..often irresistibly. and every now and

then he kept looking at her.

and that's how they reached home that night. Period

Disclaimer: It so appears that some have a problem with my writing. Such people may kindly

Abstain.

..One muted Sound

But I never thought she would die so Soon

So soon

But she did

I never could never think writing about her

Exactly what her death is making me do

Now

In the last few days

She had been going blind

I din't know

I din't care to know, honestly

Why should I

Poke my nose into business

Thats' just not mine

She won't look at us

Coz' she cun't see us

With her blind eyes

I dont' do earings, I cant'

they so remind me of what she was

and what she was to me

Sleep eluded me so

those nights of her death

Benumbed with Shock

I couldnt' bear to forget

the distinct contours

of her face

The face

her slight squint

those hanging cheeks

the chin dimple

oil-dipped hair..

thin hair

weird hair

weird memories

memories that dont' want to be forgotten

that come back for randome seconds

and stay, daylong

sometimes nightlong

they don't leave me

she dont' leave me

those who depart

why at all they do..